Yes, you got that right...I am going to write about a wonderful time I spent some days back with a special person. Yes...it was a very special time...one on one, sharing my most intimate thoughts and feelings... the meaningless hustle and bustle of the world going by me in a blur...I felt so alive....
Well, it had to be so special....because it was a date with my dear old self :).
Hmmn, let me clarify it for my friends...no buddies, I have not become delusional. I am not having 3rd person hallucinations either...I am just referring to a small piece of time I spent just for myself. Doing things only for me, consciously and not out of compulsion. And I cherished it.
Now you will tell me what’s special in it? We all spend time with our own selves..that’s kind of "by default' configuration, isn’t it? Well, if you are one of those persons acutely aware of your being, love yourself consciously, are exactly aware what you want and what you don’t, then....CONGRATULATIONS (and this post is not meant for you)! But I and many people like me I presume are not so lucky to have got this right!
Most of the time we live life in a kind of "default' mode...doing routine things...juggling many responsibilities, finding 24 hours quite less to fulfill all our roles. Either we are always looking for happiness in other people...whether our spouse brought us the coveted gift...whether our dear ones treated us well...did our friends remember to wish us on our birthdays etc... or otherwise we are trying our best to make others happy...what to cook special for someone special...what to buy for our dear ones so that it brings a smile to their face...what to wear so that the spouse appreciates...so on and so forth...somewhere somehow we give too much importance to "others"..don’t you think so? The "I" within us becomes blurred...our own existence start taking a backseat.So much so we sometimes even lose touch not only with our dreams but also with our own weaknesses. As of we don’t really "live" but we float from one day to another with lot of superficial junk on our plate but nothing substantial. Though we are acutely aware of the coveted promotion at work that we are eyeing, we forget that once upon a time we loved to paint or sing or dance. Not to win a prize in a competition but just for our own happiness! We don’t want to face our fears, because where is the time to connect with our own self. It’s much easier to switch on the idiot box at the end of the day and keep moving from one meaningless day to another.
Since this realization has dawned on me in recent past, I consciously took some time out for myself. No husband...no friends...no family etc. Went to a shopping mall first (well you see the rendezvous had be in a safe place as well!)...roamed about aimlessly for a long while. Picked up a book which I wanted for a long time...consciously avoiding the thought of "what to cook for dinner" and thus the inevitable grocery shopping as well. Took a seat by the window in a cafeteria and tried talking to myself (well no..not loudly of course).
"So how’s it going buddy!" I asked myself."With all the conscious decisions that you have made in life, all the compromises, the selfishness that you have showed, the mistakes that you have made, all the love that you have shared...with all of that...how is going so far?"
I consciously tried thinking of the nagging issues that gnaws at my heart every now and then...it was a difficult situation. It was much easier to eye the young teenage couple who was sitting just in front of me (hand in hand..lost in their dreams!)...but I managed to come back to my own precious date (that's me! ;))...After 3 cups of tea and a steaming hot pasta, I did say to myself... 'Well thanks for the date and I think I am doing pretty good".
I am doing good because I could afford this rendezvous with myself. I am doing good because I am alive! I count each of my breaths to be a blessing. I thank God for this precious experience called Life! And I am ready to face the challenges that come on my way. I know I will stumble, I know I will fall as well...but as long as I enjoy the journey, I will never lose!
My special date came to an end not too long after this..but thankfully, I didn't have to bid good bye to my date and I promised to never again to lose touch of my own inner self.
I wish when we grow up, all of us are told to value our own selves first...not in a narcissistic/egotistic way. But in a sense that we are true to our being...to be able to acknowledge our deeper virtues as well as vices. To be able to see the beauty of our mind as well as face the demon within....to be able to not shy away to face our fears...so that we are accountable to what we do...how we live.... so that we can answer our own self and not seek answers elsewhere.. So that we never let the tiny inner voice within us lose its existence!
Let me say in tune of a very famous song of Whitney Houston:
I decided long ago, never to walk in any one's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I live as I believeNo matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of allInside of me
The greatest love of allIs easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all.
(One one small word of caution....let us not only love ourselves..but also love ourselves! :) )